Today I turn 45 years old. Directly in the middle of my 40’s I wonder: how did I get here so quickly? It feels like only a few years ago I was fresh out of graduate school, getting my feet wet in a career I thought defined me, and marrying a man I thought defined me even more. Amazing how much perspective comes with passing time. I was wrong about so much back then. Thank heavens.
If 30 seemed old, 40 was ancient. With my entire life ahead of me, I raced towards imaginary deadlines. I thought I had it all figured out. Get married by 25. Have kids by 30. Funny, I forgot to schedule in the divorce, the second marriage, the miscarriages, and the recovery from an eating disorder that lay ahead of me. I wonder what else I have forgotten? I entered my 40’s terrified of leaving behind my youth. Swimming in the sea of an eating disorder, my life was already ruled by numbers. I measured my worth by the size on my pants and the number on a scale. I was adding my age as one more number to fixate on. Odd how my value as a person seemed to go down as the number went up. Yet again. Already exhausted from devoting decades to manipulating my weight, I realized there is no way to manipulate my age. Yes, I could focus on how old I looked. On the wrinkles, color of my hair, and my body…. but no matter what, time ticks on, and my age will go up. Unless, of course, I die. No amount of exercise, dieting, or self loathing will make me younger. And the one thing my recovery from an eating disorder has taught me is that I have a choice of how much power I give to to a number. Any number. Because despite what society tells us- a number DOES NOT define our worth nor does it create happiness. Now directly in the middle of my 40’s I smile with the realization of the things I am actually leaving behind at this stage of my life. And it has nothing to do with youth. Instead, I CHOOSE to leave behind the incessant need to please others and the ridiculously enormous attention I placed on everyone else’s opinions of me. I gladly leave behind the idea that I must always follow the rules, along with the LIE that what matters most is on the outside. Leaving behind the victim mentality, I am free to embrace the TRUTH that I do have choices and these choices affect my world. I am leaving behind the myth that if I look a certain way, I will be more valuable, more lovable, and more joyful. Years of chasing an illusion taught me that perfect does not exist, and contorting my shape or appearance will NEVER make me happy. In fact, it literally has the opposite effect. Leaving behind what no longer serves me allow room to embrace new truths. The fact that everything is temporary (no matter how amazing or awful) and that EVERYONE suffers, struggles, has pain, and has loss. The knowledge that we are all way more connected than we are separate. And the awareness that no matter what is happening, I always have blessings to be grateful for. And that I am more resilient and strong than I ever realized before. So rather than dreading the addition of another candle to my cake, I CHOOSE to celebrate. Here’s to another year spent with my loved ones. Another 365 days to choose recovery. And hopefully many many more years to be present in my joy, counting my blessings, and connecting with my purpose. Which, by the way, has everything to do with using my voice and nothing to do with numbers.
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